Weariness

I’ve realized recently that I’m weary. Weary of many things. And it’s starting to show. My partner is calling me a grump, and she’s not wrong. It is the weariness of caring about things which gets me the most.  Let’s go from general to specific, shall we?

General: state of the world. rich get richer. poor get poorer. corporations control too much. most people seem only concerned with themselves (whether that is the self defined by political borders, religious views, etc.) Things just aren’t fair, dammit!

Middle: Haiti is in the spotlight, with need for urgent care, still, and for the first several days, at least (not sure if this is still going on or not) the US military was turning back supply ships and planes. Now that the search and rescue is over, how long is it until we forget about Haiti? How long did we remember Katrina? Will the Haitians live in tents for decades, because of the points I raised under “general” above?

Middle: I try to live conscientiously and it’s HARD. I try to buy products that aren’t tested on animals. I also try to buy Fair Trade items, from coffee and clothing, to anything else I can find out about. I also try to buy from HRC’s list of supportive corporations. I have apps on my phone to cross-reference the HRC corporations with the PETA friendly businesses when I’m shopping. Honestly, there’s not too many options left.

Specific: All this caring is driving me crazy. How do you find time for personal happiness while trying to make the world better? Can you do both? Should I just give up and put the blinders on? Honestly, nothing’s going to change, so should I just accept that and enjoy the next 50 years? Is there some sort of middle ground to be reached? I’m not sure what it is. What I’d like to do is give up politics, but still find a way to help. Any suggestions??

So far, so good.

I’ve worked on the design part of this each day, now I have to work on some decent writing! However, I’m really excited about some of these customizable themes that WordPress has now. That wasn’t the case a year ago.

So, how do you like the look?

New year, new beginning

I’m hoping to get back to the very enjoyable task of daily blogging. It takes some practice, so bear with me as I get it going again.

Say no to hate

I was set to write a blog about today’s protests across the country, but I saw this bit, and thought this said it all just about right.

Hubbard Street Dance: wow.

I just got back from seeing Hubbard Street Dance of Chicago on campus. Wow. Dance is so amazing. I think I felt just about every emotion I have in those two hours.  I’ll try to add some details later, but for now I just wanted to get the Wow down.

Thoughts on the election

So what on Earth could be so momentous as to make me sit down and revisit the blog for the first time in too long?  This election, which seems to have lasted 18 months, was hard fought and gruesome at times, no doubt. Today however, I’m feeling a glimmer of hope for the first time in a long time. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those people who was on the Obama bandwagon all along. I didn’t know him and felt like he was a bit arrogant at first. I was a Hillary supporter. I’m also a bleeding heart, so once she was out of the picture, it was easy to switch to the only other liberal running for President. Over the last few months my opinion changed, though. I don’t see Obama as arrogant anymore. Just really smart and level-headed. I think those qualities might be able to do a lot for the USA in the next four years. I’m tired of the military and the corporate giants having a blank check to do as they please. I was tired of it seven years ago!  I hope that Obama can do what he says he’ll do. I am however, too cynical to truly believe it will happen.

Today I heard several people (all white) say that they weren’t sure why it was such a big deal to elect a black president. I’m white, too, but I feel like I can understand why it’s a big deal. Only those with privilege can think it’s unimportant. Maybe it’s easier for me to feel the joy of racial implications because I’m a woman  and felt really disappointed to not have a woman on this ticket in 2008. I think of the effect this has on children. My neice, who’s half-black, can grow up knowing that someone like her can be President. It’s not about being president, though, it’s about believing in your own abilities, strengths and inherent value. It’s about knowing you can be powerful and strong and respected.

So, on the same day that all this happened, a momentous day in civil rights history, same-sex couples were dealt several blows. Florida and Arizona (and probably California, although no official results yet) pass marriage “protection” laws denying marriage unless between a man and a woman. Arkansas passed a law that won’t let same sex couples adopt a child. I felt today, when so many people were so happy about Obama, that my happiness was not as profound, because my civil rights aren’t protected yet. I find myself wondering about the 18,000 legally married gay and lesbian couples in California. What happens to them? Many of them have children. How do you tell your kid that their parents don’t count in the state of California?  What about families in Arkansas? Will they be torn apart now, or will existing adoptions stand? What about adoptions that were in process?  Aside from legally protecting these people and families, those states have decided to cruelly disrupt American lives.

So, like most things in politics (and life in America), my joy has been tempered with a harsh reality.

Totally Out

I was at a party this past weekend and was able to chat with a bunch of people I had never met before. It’s one of those things I really enjoy doing, because it usually reminds me how much most of us humans have in common. I’m usually able to relate to most people in one way or another, which is really nice and keeps me from being overly cynical about the state of humanity. Every now and then, one of those conversations sticks with me and goes to a deeper place. I was lucky enough to have that happen Saturday.

I was talking with a man at the party, who was there with his partner (gay) and he asked me how out I was. I blinked at him in surprise and then said “totally”. Then he asked what I meant by totally, which was harder to answer, of course. I said that everyone I know knows I’m in a relationship with a woman. I don’t lie about it. I don’t pretend to have a boyfriend. That satisfied the gentleman at the party, but has left me wondering.

Is that really true? I don’t lie and pretend, but there are probably people who don’t know. I’ve never said it, point blank, to many of my aunts and uncles. I assume that they’ve figured out that I haven’t spent the last 15 years living with my good friend, but maybe I shouldn’t assume that. I don’t flaunt it. I don’t wear a button that says “I’m gay. Ask me how”. I don’t want to either. Why should I have to wear part of my identity like a badge? That’s only one part of me. I also don’t go around wearing any other sorts of buttons. I stand for the things that I am and that matter to me through my actions. It seems unfair to ask a group of people to be out and declare themselves to everyone they meet. It is my deepest wish that the world will be kind enough that those people don’t feel the need to lie and hide. I think you can be out and honest without being noisy about it. So, I think I’m going to stick with my answer. I am totally out.

My mac is making me angry

I’ve been a Mac/Apple person for years. It makes sense for me because I’m a creative type. My Mac is powerful and still works great, still suits all my needs. It’s Apple itself that has made me need to upgrade. Their own products don’t work with my computer anymore. I recently jumped on the iPhone bandwagon. You just need iTunes to make it work, right? Not true, amazingly, if you have an older Mac. Back when I bought my G4, I splurged on a great HD Cinema Display (also justified by my design software/work ). Well, guess what? That doesn’t work with my new Mac. So now, I have to buy another $100 adapter to make my Apple monitor work with my Apple Mini. Good grief.

I know that my equipment qualifies as relics in technological terms (bought in 2001), but when technology makes  itself obsolete for no apparent reason, I feel duped. Why does a monitor need a redesigned connector? I’m guessing just to make another hundred bucks for Apple, eh?  I’m going to bite the bullet, and probably in a few days I’ll be basking in the glory of some feature that I’m sure is worth all this hassle for now, but in the meantime, I’m indignant.

Feminism and the upcoming election

I have been watching all the primaries and debates over the last several months and if they have shown me anything at all, it’s that we have a long way to go, baby. Although it is no revelation that men still hold the power and prestige in this country (if not most of the world), I have found many of the discussions over this primary season to be appalling and sometimes shockingly neanderthal. (This may not be a perfect adjective, as I don’t really know how male and female Neanderthal’s related with one another, but you get the point, I hope.)

Last night’s nationally televised debate and its resulting commentary was definitely one of those moments that made me cringe. I thought Clinton did a very good job. She gave specific answers about what solutions and actions she would initiate if given the chance. She was firm, self-assured and unhesitating. All the qualities of a leader. It made me proud to see a woman standing there, saying those things and handling the tough questions. It is still amazing to me, because even though I hoped there would be a woman president in my lifetime, I wasn’t sure that there would be. Watching her last night, I felt for the first time that it can actually happen.

Then I started hearing people talk. She’s too rough. Too hard. Malarkey. If she were a man, she would’ve been praised for having answers to the questions and knowing where she stood. It makes me think back to how much people talked about her moist eyes a few months back. I guess this has become an inevitable part of the election process, this focusing on minutiae and this tearing down of personality. I don’t know who would be perfect enough to make it through unscathed, but it seems clear to me that it is tougher still if you are missing a Y chromosome.

I don’t know if I’m making my point very well. Unfortunately I haven’t been blogging this from day one, but hearkening back many months now, the accumulation of chauvinistic remarks and attitudes has me on the defensive. I’m ready to renew my NOW membership and stop shaving my pits. I’ve got my Womyn up.

the inevitable political post

Now that I live in Pennsylvania, I’m in the hotbed of political activity. This is another source of culture shock for me. I have moved from one of the most liberal communities (Baltimore) to a fairly conservative one. Don’t misunderstand this, the TV is still full of commercials showcasing the Dems. What I find mildly frightening is how the Republicans facing off with each other keep having dueling commercials to prove that they are the most conservative of the candidates. My family values are better than yours claim the commercials of pasty-white men and their beautifully groomed wives and children. So Leave-it-to-Beaver, it’s nauseating.

Now, I haven’t lived in Pennsylvania long enough yet to know what problems they face, but I assume they aren’t that different from everyone else. I look at the pictures of the families in these ads, in their well-manicured lawns, in their designer kitchens with the perfect accessories (children) and wonder how they can be in touch with what’s going on in our country right now. Can Designer Kitchen Conservative relate to the single mom who can’t afford milk anymore, or who has to choose between milk and gas this week? Can Mr. Cleaver in his half million home understand what foreclosure is and how it is to lose everything? What if Mrs. Cleaver and the kids didn’t have health insurance?

How did family values and the Republicans get to where they are today? Can they actually claim family values while they give tax breaks to mega-corporations and do nothing to help us everyday folk? Shouldn’t the claim of family value be backed up with some sort of action? Now, to be fair, the Democrats haven’t gotten much done in the last few years either, but they aren’t airing commercials every 30 minutes claiming their family values. Whether you like Clinton or Obama, I think it is refreshing that their commercials recently have just focused on what needs to happen in the next administration. They talk about what they’ll do.

I guess that’s it. Whoever wins, (and I hope it’s a Dem) I hope they just DO something to change the way things are (for the better).